


The first (and last) Dursley-Evans-Potter double date

by Isidar_Mithrim



Series: Marauders Era & Jily [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (but just a tiny bit), Canon Compliant, Comedy, Dinner, Double Dating, F/M, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Meet the Family, Missing Scene, Muggle Life, One Shot, Pottermore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 15:48:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19872124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isidar_Mithrim/pseuds/Isidar_Mithrim
Summary: {The first meeting between Lily, her boyfriend James Potter, and the engaged couple, went badly, and the relationship nose-dived from there. James was amused by Vernon, and made the mistake of showing it. Vernon tried to patronise James, asking what car he drove. James described his racing broom. Vernon supposed out loud that wizards had to live on unemployment benefit. James explained about Gringotts, and the fortune his parents had saved there, in solid gold. Vernon could not tell whether he was being made fun of or not, and grew angry. The evening ended with Vernon and Petunia storming out of the restaurant, while Lily burst into tears and James (a little ashamed of himself) promised to make things up with Vernon at the earliest opportunity. – ‘Vernon and Petunia Dursley’ – Pottermore}Yes, we have all these informations... but how exactly the famous dinner between the two couples went? ^^





	The first (and last) Dursley-Evans-Potter double date

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Un tavolo per quattro](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/500020) by Isidar Mithrim. 



“James… I’m warning you” Lily admonished for the umpteenth time.

“Don’t worry, love” he grinned. “You know people can’t help adoring me.”

She flashed him an exasperated look, then grabbed his hand and spun on the spot to Disapparate.

They ended up in a dark alley near the restaurant and after checking they were indeed alone, James removed the Invisibility Cloak.

“Give it there, I’ll put in in my purse” said Lily, outstretching a hand.

“Nah, I’ll keep it.”

“And where exactly do you plan to stick it, since you don’t have robes to hide it?”

“Easy” said James with a knowing smirk, tapping his temple. “In my pocket.”

“Oh, silly of me to think it wouldn’t fit” said Lily with sarcasm.

“Indeed” grinned James, effortlessly shoving the Cloak in the pocket while looking smugly at her.

“Of course you were going to use an _illegal_ Extension Charm” she muttered, but he’d have bet that she was secretly amused.

“Well, it didn’t seem like a great idea to walk around with my wand sticking out from my pocket or, worst, without my wand. I did thought about wearing cow-boy boots to hide it, but then again, I’m not so sure Petunia would have appreciated my outfit.”

Lily frowned at him and her intimidating tactic may have worked, if James wasn’t so smitten by her shining eyes to forget her annoyed expression.

He gave her a sudden peck on the lips hoping it could sooth her nerves a bit, and when she finally dared a smile he took her arm and walked her to the restaurant.

“Damn, I should have kept the Cloak” James muttered when they got close to the entrance. “I could have sneaked up that fat dude and made him startle” he added with dreamy delight, pointing at the heavy man’s back.

“You know… I think that’s Vernon” whispered Lily, hastily elbowing James when he giggled shamelessly.

“Ok, ok, I’ll calm down” he promised, surprisingly managing to actually compose himself. “But I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bigger ass… except Hagrid and yours, of course” he winked.

It was Lily’s turn to giggle, this time. “You can’t make me laugh!” she playfully reproached him, shoving his shoulder. “We have to stay serious.”

“How can we –”

“And don’t even try to make a joke about Sirius not being invited, it stopped being funny ages ago!”

“Ouch, that’s harsh!” said James, a melodramatic expression on his face, his hands clenched upon his heart.

“It’s only harsh if you _were_ going to make that joke” she smirked.

“I… actually think you got a point.”

“I totally did” she bragged with a satisfied grin. “Now, shall we go?”

“We shall indeed, my marvelous lady.”

When they got close to the man Lily cleared her throat. “Vernon? Petunia?” she called hesitant.

The beefy man turned, and James could finally see the anxious, thin blonde woman that was hidden behind him. Thank Merlin Lily looked better than _that_.

“Petunia knew you’d show up late” said Vernon, checking them out with condescension. “ _Time is money_ , I keep telling her. Unfortunately, there are people who like to waste it.”

Lily apologised, mortified, but James held is tongue, his lips clenched among his teeth and every fiber of his being focused in staying serious rather than laughing at his piggy face.

“Vernon, dear, this is my sister Lily” said Petunia mincingly. She then looked at James, grimacing at his unruly hair – in her defense, he’d secretly made sure they were particularly messy, before leaving the house. “And you must be –”

“James Potter” he interjected, offering his hand.

She shook it with mild concern, but then she seemed to regain her good manners, because she cleared her throat and straightened up. “Lily, James, this is my fiancé, Vernon Dursley” she said with pride. “Vernon, this is my sister Lily and her… _boyfriend_ James.”

He pretended not to notice the hint of disapproval and offered his hand to Vernon as well. The man definitely had a stronger grip, but James found quite bizarre shaking an hand with such fatty fingers – he made a mental note to brag about it with Sirius as soon as he had the chance.

“Well, shall we get in?” he asked an instant later, cheerfully clapping his hands. “I’m starving!”

Petunia looked at him with widened eyes, clearly horrified by his lack of tact, but she hurried to get in when he chivalrously held the door open. Vernon flashed him a suspicious glare when James gestured for him to get in as well, but he followed her fiancé nonetheless.

Little he knew that James was simply waiting for the perfect chance to watch his bottom wobbling at every steps.

He heard Lily sighing at his side. “It’s going to be a loong evening.”

“Oh, I bet we’ll have the time of our lives” he disagreed with a wide grin, finally letting the door go to follow her to the table.

“Here’s the menu, gentlemen” said the waiter, handing them out. “In the mid time, can I bring you something to drink?”

The others opened their menus to check the beverages, but James already knew what he wanted.

“Butterbeer for me, thanks.”

When four set of eyes looked at him abashed, he knew he must have asked for something very not Muggle.

“I’d like some _beer_ too, thanks” Lily said after a moment, trying to fix the situation. James mentally thanked her presence of spirit, but Petunia looked at her like weed in a bush of flower.

“Just water for us” she said loftily, implying any other beverage would have been an inadmissible choice.

“Well said, Petunia!” shouted Vernon. “Alcohol is the opium of the people!” he added with disdain, hitting the table with his heavy hand.

James hastily tried to disguise his stifled laugh as a gasp, hiding his face behind the menu for good measure.

The Butterbeer misunderstanding, though, had given him an irresistible idea.

“Lily,” he said with a perfectly hearable whisper, “I must assume they don’t have Acromantula fried claws either, right?”

Vernon widened his eyes in horror and Petunia quickly run her gaze left and right, making sure nobody’d heard him.

“Lily!” he winced when she violently stomped his foot. “It’s a perfectly legitimate question for who’s so inexperienced about…”

He put on a stealth expression and theatrically looked around the table, then he leant towards Vernon and Petunia, covering his mouth with a hand.

“… _Muggle_ food” he whispered.

Vernon looked at him outraged, straightening up – that still didn’t make his neck appear, for the record. “How did you call us?!”

“People different than _them_ ” explained Petunia with resentment.

Vernon clenched his teeth while James went back to giggle behind his menu, ignoring Lily’s warning glance.

She thankfully let it go, then she braced herself and spoke with forced pleasantness.

“Why don’t we postpone the chat to concentrate on our order?”

After the waiter brought their drinks and finished writing down their picks, Petunia flashed Vernon with an eloquent glance and he cleared his throat.

“Well, James. I can proudly state I’m able to carry Petunia around with my magnificent Lincoln Versailles. What do you drive, instead?” he asked with a patronising tone that James didn’t appreciate in the least.

“Oh, I’m so glad you asked!” he said with pretended enthusiasm. “I drive a little gem, dear Vernon! Acceleration from 0 to 90 mph in ten seconds, the best aerodynamic in the country, it answer at the slightest touch!”

Vernon was speechless, eyes narrowed in anger and envy. He drank a sip of water and almost chocked.

“Er… what model is it?” asked Petunia while slapping her fiancé on the back with her boney hand.

James smirked inwardly and got ready to answer, but Lily preceded him, flashing a warning look yet again.

“He’s actually speaking about his racing broom” she explained with a fake smile.

Vernon spluttered in surprised and Petunia covered her mouth with her hand, shocked.

“His.. his…” Vernon stuttered.

“Racing broomstick, yeah!” James exclaimed before Lily could stop him. “My Nimbus Thousand, a loyal companion in many Quidditch victories and thrilling adventures. It darts in the sky as lightning bolt, Vernon, you should see it! Sure, after a bunch of hours you start feeling a bit of discomfort on your nether regions, that’s granted, but eventually you get use to it” he added with a wink.

The fat man looked at him with a mix of rage and loathing.

“Petunia, which flower have you picked for the wedding?” cut in Lily, smiling brightly. Her sister instantly seized the chance to change the subject, explaining in exhausting details every damn thing about the hall decor.

When the two sisters got to the place holders’ color, James decided it was time for a bit of fun.

“But let’s talk about you for a bit, Vernon! You must have a very important job to afford such an expensive wedding” he said, his voice dripping with admiration.

“Of course!” Vernon stated vehemently, as if James had suggested the opposite. “I’m the deputy director of the Grunnings!”

“My Vernon makes drills” said Petunia with touching pride, an hand on her breast and one on Vernon’s shoulder.

“It’s an electric tools that makes small holes” Lily explained to James, cutting is very, _very_ interested question before he could voice it. He quickly found something else to say.

“Oh, so it’s a _dreel_ , the thing you used to pierce you ears, Lily! Vernon, let me tell you this,” he added with a moved expression, “you have a really noble job. I can’t imagine how grim the world would look if all the Muggle girls had to renounce to this wonderful pieces of jewelry.” He raised his hand to graze Petunia’s earring, but she retracted with horror.

“Drills aren’t used to make stupid ears’ piercings!” yelled Vernon. “Without drills buildings can’t be build!”

“Then it’s even nobler than I thought!” exclaimed James, shifting his foot before Lily could step on it again. “Vernon, I’m truly impressed. You’ve just earned a new admirer.”

“Well, it’s definitely more noble than your… _condition_ ” retorted Vernon nastily, not buying his flattering – it was nice to know that he wasn’t _that_ stupid, at least. “I bet your… _kind_ … have to ask for unemployment benefit. I believe who’s not able to sustain himself doesn’t deserve to be supported by the government with the money earned by us honest workers!”

James put on his best devastated expression.

“You touched a sore spot, my dear Vernon” he said, his voice cracking. “You’re right, sadly. Lily and I are currently unemployed. Since we graduated at Hogwarts…” he sniffed loudly. “I’m sorry.”

“We manage to get by, anyway” clarified Lily, laying her hand on James’s wrist and clenching it hard.

James took his napkins and wiped an inexistent tear, but when he spoke again he used a pretty perky tone.

“Yeah, thank Merlin my parents are filthy rich and their vault at the Gringotts is packed with solid gold!”

Vernon and Petunia were staring with wide eyes and dropped jaws, and he felt a rush of deep satisfaction. “Oh, I’m so sorry, that was very poor of me, of course you don’t know what the Gringotts is! It’s the wizards’ bank – Mountain of Galleons guarded by a dragon!

“Are you… are you having me on?” asked Vernon, flushing with rage.

“ _Me_? Vernon, I would _never_ do something like that” said James, pretending to be desolate. “Everything I told you it’s the absolute truth!”

Vernon grew even angrier, but Petunia beat his retort.

“That’s not true!” she shrieked. “Dr–”she suddenly cut herself off, realising she was yelling. “ _Dragons_ don’t exist” she hissed. “Lily has never mentioned them.”

“Right!” agreed Vernon. “We would have notice for sure, if they did!”

“Of course they exist!” said James. “My own wand core is a dragon’s heartstring, and there are _twelve_ ways to use is blood – Dumbledore himself discovered them all!”

“Lies!” roared Vernon, while Lily hid her face behind her hands. “I won’t stay here so a wastrel like you can make a fool of me! We’re leaving, Petunia!” he shouted, slamming a fist on the table and making the glasses rattle. She jerked, but an instant later she flashed a disdained glance at Lily and stood up to follow his fiancé.

James, terribly amused, turned to look at Lily.

His grin vanished in a flash when he saw that she was in tears.

“Lily…” he murmured, taken aback.

“You really can’t help acting like an idiot, right?” she asked angrily, roughly wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. “Why did you have to treat him like that?!”

“Have you seen him?! He’s _literally_ bloated!” retorted James. “Thank Merlin you’ve better taste than your sister.”

“Oh, do I?” she sneered.

“Lily!”

“You ruined everything! I didn’t think I was asking too much when I asked you to be serious for two bloody hours!” she retorted. Then her anger seemed to fade as fast as it came. “Petunia will never forgive me…” she said bleakly.

She looked so miserable that James heart ached, the guilt crawling inside him. He knew how much Lily cared about reestablishing a contact with her sister, and he realised he’d made it impossible.

“Shit, you’re right” he murmured, caressing her hair. “I’m sorry… I’m really sorry. Please, look at me, Lily” he added with a pleading tone.

She turned towards him, her beautiful green eyes reddened by tears, and James heart sank.

“I’ll make things right with Vernon at the next occasion, all right? I promise.”

She nodded weakly and he squeezed her in his arms, cradling her until she calmed down.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :D  
> Feel free to drop any feedback, suggestion, correction about the story or the translation, opinion about headcanons and so on ^^  
> You can also find me on [tumblr](https://isidar-mithrim.tumblr.com)


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